In December, my best friend and I broke up. It wasn’t our first break up, it was probably our 100th+. We were toxic together, yet we hung on to each other because at times, we were all each other had. I loved him for 7 years, through deaths and heartbreak and high school and college, and we always had each other’s back.
He was my first real boyfriend, and I met him when I was 16 years old. We dated, on and off, for four years. We understood each other, but fought a lot. We broke up for good in 2007: Officially, anyway. He spent the next two years trying to win me back. He hadn’t let go but I had let go of those feelings for him in 2007. He was still a friend, but not my significant other. We did have this strange attachment to each other and were closer than most exes are. I believe that this is the worst way to end things: You don’t get closure or severance. He was still in my life, watching- never silently- as I dated other guys. In 2009 when I met Adam, our relationship took a sharp turn for the worse.
He was hurt that I moved on for good. He still tried to win me back. When he tried to move on, I discouraged it. I was being very selfish but we both were. There were so many things that we fought about, we were really mean to each other. My life was growing in a different direction; I was a college graduate, working my first post-college job in my career field, and he was still struggling to finish while working at a movie theater. I talked about buying a house and getting a dog; he talked about the newest Youtube sensation and upcoming video games coming out. I became frustrated with our relationship. I knew it was time to say goodbye.
He had started dating a new girl, and their relationship started the same pattern as ours; breakups, get back together… I cautioned him against this. He ignored me. And stopped calling. I lashed out. Weeks went by without speaking. I cried at night, I missed him so much.. But what did I miss? Our fights? No. Our talks? Not really. What I missed was that safe friend that adored me, that always understood what I was saying. Our inside jokes and memories from the past.
In February, he called to tell me that he was getting engaged. I told him that I thought he was rushing; he said it was already done. She knew and they had a date set. I knew there wasn’t anything I could say that would make him think twice. We haven’t talked since that night.
My birthday was last week. For the first time in 8 years, he didn’t call me, or reach out. I struggled with this, but realized that it was really the end. I know that I’m stronger and healthier without him in my life, but there are moments that I miss him. People come in and out of your life, but what I’ve realized is that not everyone is meant to stay forever. You have to let them go- you can’t chase after them.
I'm healing, quicker than I expected, from this. Someone leaving your life after a decade is never easy, but I'm a better person because of it. It's as if a burden was lifted from my heart. No more fights or screaming matches; no more facebook unfriending. No. More. Drama.
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