Patches

Two years ago, I met someone. I didn't expect that someone to become anything but a footnote in my life. Now, two years later, we live together, we have a house, and two adopted dogs. We're a family.

But lately things haven't been so great. What's become of our relationship? Fights, lies, slamming doors and couch-sleeping. Patches. Patching things up to make them work. I feel like my whole life has become a patchwork quilt, just mending what is broken for the temporary, and not knowing how to reupholster my life.

I've always prided myself on my communication skills, and I have tried repeatedly to figure out what has happened to us. I ask questions and I get lies. I ask more questions and he shuts down. What's the point? Why hide what you feel? What is going on in YOUR HEAD?

I'm exhausted at this point. I don't want to be there anymore. This isn't the life that I thought I would be living. But what if this is just a speedbump? What if things WILL get better? What if he's the one I'm supposed to be with?

I'm not afraid of being alone, of starting over, even though that depresses me. I am exhausted by the thought of all the energy it's going to take to start over- energy and money. Find a place, move all of my stuff, what will we do with the dogs? Lately they're all I look forward to. Start over. Shoulder all of the bills again.

And then what happens? If he apologizes, begs me back like he has a million times? What do I do? Move back in? Uproot my life yet again? It's all too exhausting to think about.

I just. dont. know.what. to.do.anymore.