Patches

Two years ago, I met someone. I didn't expect that someone to become anything but a footnote in my life. Now, two years later, we live together, we have a house, and two adopted dogs. We're a family.

But lately things haven't been so great. What's become of our relationship? Fights, lies, slamming doors and couch-sleeping. Patches. Patching things up to make them work. I feel like my whole life has become a patchwork quilt, just mending what is broken for the temporary, and not knowing how to reupholster my life.

I've always prided myself on my communication skills, and I have tried repeatedly to figure out what has happened to us. I ask questions and I get lies. I ask more questions and he shuts down. What's the point? Why hide what you feel? What is going on in YOUR HEAD?

I'm exhausted at this point. I don't want to be there anymore. This isn't the life that I thought I would be living. But what if this is just a speedbump? What if things WILL get better? What if he's the one I'm supposed to be with?

I'm not afraid of being alone, of starting over, even though that depresses me. I am exhausted by the thought of all the energy it's going to take to start over- energy and money. Find a place, move all of my stuff, what will we do with the dogs? Lately they're all I look forward to. Start over. Shoulder all of the bills again.

And then what happens? If he apologizes, begs me back like he has a million times? What do I do? Move back in? Uproot my life yet again? It's all too exhausting to think about.

I just. dont. know.what. to.do.anymore.

A to Z

I thought this would be fun!
A. Age: 24
B. Bed size: King
C. Chore you hate: Dishes.
D. Dogs: Cora & Roxy, 2 years old
E. Essential start to your day: Brush my teeth and tame my unruly hair, bright red lipstick and we're ready to go.
F. Favorite colour: purple.
G. Gold or silver: white gold
H. Height: 5’4''
I. Instruments you play: piano, barely
J. Job title: Volunteer & Outreach Coordinator/Ramp Coordinator/Events Coordinator
K. Kids: none.
L. Live: in my hometown with the boy.
M. Mom’s name: Judy
N. Nicknames: Lay, Lola, Leola, Raylene (dont ask), Gully
O. Overnight hospital stays: 0
P. Pet peeve: I hate bad spelling and grammar; i hate bad drivers; i hate bitchy women; i hate cold food at restaurants because then I have to send it back and I'm the betch because you didn't cook it right.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Life if not black and white. If you insist on that, you'll be very unhappy." The Last Kiss
R. Right or left handed: right
S. Siblings: three older sisters.
T. Time you wake up: 7:15-7:30 am
U. Underwear: I like the funny Torrid ones. I have owl ones and today I'm wearing some that have a ghost on them and they say, "I got BOOOty" bahaha
V. Vegetables you dislike: most.
W. What makes you run late: Traffic, hitting the snooze button too much, not finding my keys or shoes
X. X-Rays you’ve had: a few
Y. Yummy food you make: I cook a lot. I make some serious soups, dips, casseroles. yummmo
Z. Zoo- favorite animal: i like monkeys and giraffes and elephants and sometimes the peacocks.

Therapy (long but worth it)

Hello all,
It's been a long time since I've written, but I've been going through a helluva time in my life right now, so don't you judge me.

Recently I went through a friendship breakup of one of my oldest friends. I was having a really hard time about it, and among other things, I decided that I needed to talk to someone. There's a social stigma about therapy that you only need if if you're crazy, but that's not true. Think of it this way: No matter how good of parents you had, no matter how well adjusted you are, you've got issues. Whether it's dating issues, work issues, love issues, self esteem issues.. EVERYONE has issues.

I made an appointment with a local psychologist- who I found out later was really a clinical social worker- and I got there 45 minutes early to fill out paperwork. There were so many things to fill out, mostly trying to evaluate if I was about to kill myself or not. There would be questions like, "I often find it hard to concentrate" and then the next would be, "I often feel that I want to end it all". ...uh? What? Bad segueway!

My pyscholog- uhhh, I mean, clinical social worker- let's call him Pete- is a very round man that looks like a mix between my tax guy and my father in law- (Analyze that, Pete!) invites me into his office- now, call me stereotypical,  but I assume there'd be a couch or something. My last shrink had all the lights dimmed, she had a chair and there was a couch that I could sit on... Kleenexes close by. His office was bleak- short desk with a laptop on it, and two mismatched chairs across from it- those cloth covered fancy chairs with the gold studding around the arm rests.

I sit down and he starts going through the paperwork. He starts asking questions. I answer. All of the sudden... his phone rings... I assume he'd apologize profusely and turn it off. Instead, he does what old people do, he took it out of his pocket, stared at it while it blared an annoying generic ringtone, and ANSWERED IT. It wasn't an important call; it sounded like a wife or a daughter. "Oh, I'm working... yeah, okay, I'll be home later. Love you too." I'm appalled right there.

As he's asking me about my parents and my relationship, he cocks his head to the side and says, "Do you have naturally curly hair?" When I answer yes, he replies, "It's beautiful" BARF. 

He gets on his computer at one point, and I'm pretty sure that he's either a.) On Facebook or b.) on some sort of gaming site: You know those really annoying pop ups that say, "CONGRATULATIONS you've been selected to..." that popped up. Now, I know internet sites. And the only reason that would happen at that particular moment is if you had just then- opened a site like that. So what the hell was he doing on his computer while I was paying $95 an hour?!!

At this point he tells me that he thinks I'm a very passionate person and he asks me if I should be in politics. I told him that I don't want to be a politician but I believe very strongly in certain things. He says, "What are your political leanings?" I said, "I'm very liberal." He stops writing and gives me the "You're a puppy and you just peed on my new carpet" look. Further, I say, "I am very liberal, I believe in Obama very strongly." At this point he ROLLS HIS EYES. Then he tells me that I will become more conservative as I get older. I also told him that my dream job is to work for Planned Parenthood as a Sex Educator, and he says he doesn't believe in Planned Parenthood. I tell him that I believe in comprehensive sex education, and that of PP's services- only 3% are abortion services. He says we shouldn't be able to make a choice about abortion. WTF?

Then, his phone rings again. He answers it- again! It's his secretary, I think. Nothing really important.

He wants me to come back next week. Of course, I won't be going. I think I need to find a therapist more like me....

Death doesn't bargain.

Death doesn't bargain.

AUGUST STRINDBERG, The Dance of Death

I've been lucky. I haven't had to deal with death the way that some others have. Unfortunately for us, death has a ripple effect: someone you haven't seen in years, an acquaintance you had words with once, and old coworker... an estranged ex lover or friend... you feel it when they're gone.

Today I got a call from a friend who had just learned that her ex had passed away. He appeared in our lives briefly, years ago, and had faded out. He had married, she had married... but they kept in touch. He was merely 28 years old, and he died in a very tragic way. Fortunately for him there was very little suffering, it was over before he could truly process what was happening.

Every day that you wake up is a precious, fragile, gift. You could be killed on the way to work, in a post office shooting on your lunch break, by a medical ailment that you didn't know you had. Life is fleeting- here and gone so very quickly.

I encourage you not to hold grudges. Call those people that cross your mind. Make peace with yourself, with them, before it's too late. Don't burn bridges... Love and be loved. Don't worry about small things, don't let negativity get you down. It's your only life.

Rest in peace, Hardford.