Scariest Day of My Life

This weekend, I headed down to the lake for the Fourth of July weekend. I hadn't seen my mom since late April, so I was excited to spend the weekend with her. I spoke to her Saturday morning and she sounded tired. She said that she had a fever and wasn't feeling well, not sleeping well and she was going to rest.

By the time I reached the lake, my sister called me and told me to meet her at the hospital ER, as our mother had just been taken in. My sister said that Mom was confused and she wasn't able to make complete sentences. At this point, I knew that something was terribly wrong.

My sister Kiley, who had realized that Mom was not well that morning, had insisted that she go to Urgent Care, who sent her to the hospital. Kiley and I went back to see Mom, who had been tucked into an exam room. She was hooked up to an IV, in a hospital bed, and smiled when I came in. She tried to explain how she was feeling- but got stalled on the words. She knew what she wanted to say, but it couldn't come out. Her lip quivered; I knew that she was on the verge of tears. Honestly, I was too. I've never seen my mother this way before.

We talked amongst ourselves and Mom continued to try to talk to us for awhile. The doctor and nurses came and went, drawing blood, taking her blood pressure and temperature, examining her. Soon, my other sisters were there- all four of us were in the exam room with her. We huddled around her bed. Mom heard the doctor mention West Nile Virus and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

We stayed with her for hours, until they finally decided to admit her. She was taken to a hospital room at 8:30, and her speech hadn't improved. My sisters and I were panicking; the doctors were stumped at this point and we were worried that her condition would continue to worsen. At 9:30, a new diagnosis emerged: meningitis. We were told that if we wanted to see her, we had to put on hospital gowns, masks and gloves. Fearing for her condition, the doctor called for a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) that night- no need to wait for morning. When I left the hospital that night around eleven, we had no answers- my sister Lauren insisted on sleeping in the chair next to Mom's bed in case something happened overnight.

Many people who lose their parents do not get a chance to say goodbye; as my mother struggled to speak to us, I realized that this was a very real possibility- that I would have to say goodbye. What do you say to someone that may not survive the night? Panic set in and I didn't know what I should tell her- that I loved her? Of course. I briefly thought about what life would be like without her- unbearable.

I was restless that night and we returned to the hospital early the next morning- and were told that we didn't have to put on the gowns and masks. Her diagnosis was viral meningitis, but it wasn't contagious- and we'd be able to be near her without taking any other precautions. The medicine was also working wonders- she could speak with only a few stalls and she would be able to go home as soon as she felt better.

The panic that I felt the day before disappeared- I was so grateful and cheerful that my mama was going to be okay. It made me realize that all of those silly things that we think are important- squabbles and disagreements with family members- they're not worth it. Love your family members, make up with them after tiffs, and always forgive- because one day, they might be gone in a blink of an eye.

The Art of Mothering

moth·er/ˈməT͟Hər/

Verb: Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering".

Mother's Day is generally reserved for mothers that gave birth to children, but I've come to realize in the last couple of years that a mother can be anyone who possesses those general "mothering" qualities, and that cares for others as she would care for children. Below I have detailed the mothers in my life who have made an impact on me.

My sisters: I have three older sisters and my first niece was born when I was 5 years old, so they were more little sisters to me than nieces. I was a built in babysitter from the age of eleven, and took part in disciplining and caring for them. They have become beautiful kids, all seven of them, thanks in big part to my sisters, who have brought them up with poise, care and love. They are the smartest kids I know, and I am proud to call them family :)
                                               My sisters, me and my Mom (in the middle)

Adam's aunts and sister: Adam's mother passed away when he was young and over the years he spent time with various aunts and his sister. These women helped make him kind, sensitive, sweet, and loving. They all cared for Adam when he needed them; he lived with a few of them during various times in his life. They weren't his natural mothers, but they opened their hearts and homes to him.
                                                    Adam and his wonderful sister Cara

I really admire my friend Jacque for her mothering skills. She had baby Madelyn about a year and a half ago and she is the happiest baby I know. Most mothers enjoy being with their children, but Jacque takes it to a whole new level. I can usually control my baby instincts, but when I'm around Madelyn, I want a baby just like her. She's smart and sweet and so affectionate- because Jacque is. She spends time with her, makes her own baby food, just generally is happy and excited to be a mother. I want to be just like her when I have a baby Laylan.
                                                            Jacque and baby Maddie

And lastly, I am not a mother to children but I am a mother to two wonderful dogs, Roxy and Cora. We adopted Roxy in Feb 2010 and in July 2010 got her a friend, Trixie. In December 2010, tragedy struck our family. Roxy and Trixie escaped and Trixie passed away, and Roxy's hip was crushed. Two surgeries later, Roxy was a three legged dog. We nursed her back to health, taking her out to the bathroom on a leash, making sure she had her pain medicine and lifting her 60 lb body onto the bed so that she could sleep near us. She has inspired us with the resolve and a "can-do" attitude. Sometimes she falls, but she has learned how to live her life as a three legged dog and nothing can stop her.
                                                                        Roxy and Trixie

In March we adopted Cora from an animal shelter. The first day, she loved Roxy but wouldn't show any type of affection toward us. We gave her a chance and brought her home, where she lay on the couch, almost lifeless, for 2 days. When we let her out to potty, she hid under the deck for 4 hours, shivering. I didn't have faith, I thought she needed to be returned to the shelter. Adam asked to keep her one more night. That night, she blossomed. She is the sweetest, loving dog that we could ask for to be a friend to Roxy. They play constantly, wrestle, groom each other, and were instant best friends. They really are my children.

Roxy, a 3 legged dog, and Cora

Happy Mother's Day, whether you're a furmother, a child's mother, a surrogate mother, or any other "mother"!

Can I Miss Someone I've Never Met?

Mother's Day is coming up and it always makes me a little sad for Adam. His mother passed away when he was younger and it sounds strange, but I sometimes have a hard time dealing with it. 

My mom and I are very close, and I have a lot of memories of her when I was little, but it's hard for me to distinguish those that came before I was a teenager. Memories tend to muddle together, and when you've had someone in your life for so long, you tend to always think of them being there, so it's hard for you to remember when they weren't. Adam's mother passed away when he was eleven years old, fifteen years before I met him. He's been alive longer without her than with her.

When I met Adam and he told me the story of his mother, I cried. I remember my heart aching for him, for her, for the whole family. I know how much I rely on my mother, and I can't imagine being without her in my life. I ask him questions about her... what kind of perfume did she wear? what did her voice sound like? would she have liked me?

I think about all of the things that she has missed out on, all of the times that he could have used her advice, her hugs, her smile, just to help him through the day. In the two years that we've been together, she's become a part OUR story, not just Adam's. We talk about her, we pray to her sometimes for guidance. Not a day goes by that we don't think about her and her impact on us.

She's been gone for over fifteen years, and yet, when people find out that I'm dating Adam they just beam with stories about her. How kind, sweet, wonderful, generous she was. My heart aches at this. I think about her sometimes, I think about how life would be if she were alive. If she and I would have been friends, sharing recipes and watching Extreme Couponing and going on shopping trips together.

What I ache for the most is that she didn't get to see the wonderful, kind, sweet, generous and loving man that Adam has become- and I can't help but think that maybe she is with  us, and everything I love about him--- it's just her, shining through.