Down 16 lbs!

I haven't been on the scale in weeks, probably over a month. But last night I made up my mind to get on it and be okay with whatever it said. i was very surprised...

I have lost 8 lbs since my last weigh-in.

PLUS the 6 that I had lost previous to that...

and then this morning, I did my "true weight" (first in the morning) and I was down another 2.

WOW! It was definitely the motivation that I needed to keep going.

In August of 2011, we're going to New York for Adam's brother's wedding.

 I'd LOVE to be down to a regular size, not plus size.

That's 34 weeks away! A LOT can be lost by then.

YAY!

Overwhelmingly Overwhelmed.

I've recently started a diet--- err, lifestyle change, inspired by Luke and Leah's Weight Loss. I've started a low carb diet, hoping to jumpstart some weight loss. I'm only on day 2, and while this morning I was feeling great, I was in tears by 7 o'clock this evening.

This isn't new for me- when I change my eating habits, I have an overload of emotions. When I worked out with my trainer, I would eat well all day, work out with her, and come home and cry all night. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I think that the overall weight loss goal- I need to lose a whopping 120 lbs to even get into the high range of my weight class- is so incredibly scary to me. Everyone says, take it day by day. And I try, but it just kills me.

So tonight, when I was pumped up for Zumba and I called 5 people to go with me- all of them declined- and I couldn't find my right shoes to work out- I just burst into tears. I curled up into a ball on the couch and sobbed. My boyfriend looked at me with sadness and bewilderment. I ended up not going. It's only 7:11 and I'm already regretting not going, but when I'm in these moods, I feel myself fighting back tears while doing the workout.

This part may get me in trouble. I have several facebook friends that have gotten Lap Band and gastric bypass surgery. I'm incredibly jealous of this. Because, like them, I've struggled with my weight for years. (about 15). Unlike them, I can't afford the surgery. I can't afford it, and Adam isn't in the military- so insurance covering it is also out of the question. I'm also not going to take out a $15,000-$20,000 loan. I'm not saying that weight loss surgeries are cheating, but a part of me feels that having a surgery puts you leaps and bounds before me in the weight loss game.

So, here I am. Tomorrow's day 3. I've heard that after day 3 you don't crave the carbs as much. I don't worry about craving the carbs as much as getting bored with the selection that I have. Today while I was eating green beans and chicken and salad, I wanted to steal my coworkers Spanish Rice.

I hope things get better... this is life or death now.

Fat. (long post)

Today, I had a wake up call 23 years in the making.

Let me start from the beginning. I started having weight issues in 3rd grade- when I started developing breasts. I gained, and was a size 12 in 6th grade. In 8th grade, I wore a DD bra. By the time I graduated high school, I was a DDD, nearing 200 lbs. In 2009 I chose to take control of this ongoing struggle by hiring a personal trainer. She was a godsend. I dropped 25 lbs in a little over a month. I looked fantastic.

However... I got cocky. I stopped going to work outs, I didn't watch my food intake. I was in a new relationship. We ate out every night. We snacked. I didn't work out.

I was SHOCKED when we went on a cruise in December and NONE of my summer clothes fit. This is called... DENIAL. I've gained a lot of weight. I weigh more now than I have ever before, and 30 lbs more than when I started with my trainer.

Fast forward to today. We're at Silver Dollar City. my breasts- still ever so large- were a source of concern to fit on the rides. My waist is, too. I researched which rides were unforgiving to thick girls. I avoided one at all costs. The one that I did ride- barely closed over my breasts. When we went to ride it a second time, it wouldn't latch. The attendant had me move, and whispered to me, "Sweetie, you're going to have to ride in the big and tall harnesses" Oh. My. God.

I realized, probably more clearly than ever before- that this isn't a pride thing anymore. I've always been the "thick girl". I've made excuses. I've said that I like being the curvy girl. All lies. I realized that my quality of life is suffering- if things keep going this way I'll have to put on a plus size wedding dress, have a high risk pregnancy (and not have the cute baby bump like other girls)... put myself at risk for diabetes, heart disease, etc. etc.... and not be able to ride at amusement parks! Horrible.

So, it's starting again. I'm dusting off the "diet" that I had with my personal trainer, even though it's not a diet, and more of a lifestyle change. I'm going to change my life. It might take me six months, a year, two years, three years. But I will never do this again. I owe it to myself- and I DESERVE IT! too much to let this continue to happen.

Stay tuned....