Dear Austin

Earlier this week, the world lost a friend of mine named Austin. His death came quickly and I've been a little stunned and speechless about what to say about him, but as I lay in bed tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about him and the memories that we'd had.

I decided that the only way to get to sleep was to write it down, send it out into the space where thoughts and memories and dreams go, and maybe some others will be able to grasp what kind of person Austin was. What follows is a letter I have written to him...

Dear Austin,
I don't even know where to begin. For the first time in my life I'm speechless. It's a strange mixture of sadness, fond memories, even a bit of laughter. I guess I'll start from the beginning. My first vivid memory of you is in a wretched class that we shared. You sat in the front and I was a sophomore. I remember thinking that you were a "know it all". I soon realized that, compared to my limited knowledge, you really did know it all. I started to learn that your depth and breadth of knowledge was far larger than I would ever be able to reach, your humor and biting wit was sophisticated and touched topics that I, as a 20 year old, had not yet begun to understand.

As we had several more classes together I grew quite fond of you, your observations of the school, the teachers and the assignments were a great delight to me, as you always seemed so in control, so much more involved than I ever managed to be.

When I ran into you downtown one chilly winter night, you with your smile and scarf and signature hat, your beautiful wife Rachel by your side, you shook my hand and nodded toward Adam and said, "Two of my favorite people together. It works. I really like what's going on here." I remember thinking that I didnt know why but your opinion really struck a chord with me, I was happy that you approved, knowing both of us for awhile- and I remember thinking, "I'm one of his favorite people! Wow!" I never thought you'd think of me with much substance!

Since then, we kept in touch via Facebook, you helping me locate Gardettos on a salt-crazed craving, sharing our love of all things politics, helping me with Star Wars references that I *still* don't quite get. And when Seth told me that you were in the hospital during the Roast, I thought nothing of it... you'd been in and out of the hospital since I met you, so I assumed this was short term... you'd update us on Facebook now and again, usually with clever little pictures, making light. I never worried. I knew you were a fighter.

So when I read your CaringBridge journal and I realized that the situation was far worse than I could ever imagine, I just froze. I dreaded my email, as news got worse and worse. The last one, I just knew. I sat at my desk and read it with tears in my eyes, knowing that you were finally at peace, you didn't have to fight anymore. But I know that the pain is still there for your family, your sister and mom, Rachel, whom you adored, and Nate, who you always talked about in class. 

I didn't know you the longest, and we weren't the closest. We didn't talk every day, or even every week. But your death has a strong impact on me. Apart from missing your personality and humor that you brought to life, I'll miss your courageous spirit, your fighting attitude, your unwavering hope that things will get better. No matter what life threw your way, you took it and beat it. You fought the good, long, fight.

I'll miss you, buddy.

Laylan


You can read about Austin's life here http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/austinclifford